im sorry love....i regret what i did :(

i finally told him everything.

but i dont feel relieved.

there's still something bugging me. i dont know what it is.

maybe because he becomes so down after that? im really really sorry.. i never meant to hurt you.. i never wanted to make you sad.. now after telling him, all thats left is guilt. :(

maybe this is all my fault.. because i didnt tell him something was still wrong for me.. because i broke my promise so many times until he hardly can trust me again now i guess.. because i kept thinking about myself.. im an idiot. a selfish clumsy idiot. i might lose him now :(

i was so full of myself.. i couldnt think of his feeling.. i felt i couldnt take it anymore and everything just came out, exploded from my mind. i didnt think anymore..

i reread the conversation. i could see that i kept blaming things on him, no matter what he said i just couldnt stop until i felt satisfied. i am really sorry.. i wasnt really sure either what i wanted.. i kept silent about how i felt but deep inside, i wanted him to know, to notice, that i wasnt okay. i really am selfish :(

at the end he apologized again. but thats not what i asked for. im sorry for making you say that again. i just wanted you to know how i felt and give me some good reasons. but i asked too much, i know. i will never speak like that again.

i said i couldnt meet him yet. i cant face him. what kind of expression should i put on my face when i see him? i dont know. i love him, really really love him. i dont want him to hate me but seems like all these times i do the opposite.

this happens every time. when i confessed what i felt ( the bad ones ), i would make him so down and sad. he would blame himself, and he would think that the only thing he did was making me sad. thats not true X( and then i would feel really guilty, and think that maybe i was the one who was wrong. maybe its just me. im oversensitive anyway. maybe all the unhappiness came from myself.. but i keep repeating my mistake over and over again. i broke my promise, apologized, said that i'd try to keep it next time, then broke it again, apologized, broke it again, apologized again. i always find any excuses to break the promise.

forgive me baby..

i promise myself now, that i will not do the same mistake again, and i will keep my promise with you.

i swear.

so please, dont be mad, dont be sad, i love you, believe in me again?

completely absorbed by sadness...

have you ever felt that you're sad, and no matter what the person who caused it say, you're still sad. thats what happens to me now.

well, here's the story.

once upon a time, my girl friend, my boyfriend, and i had to go to another city to complete a task from a college we're going into. me n my bf went with my friend, just call her 'N', and her parents because there's no one who could take us. at first, we arranged to meet at 12 in a hospital, because we had to take a medical check up result ( its one of the documents that the college asked for ). beside that, we also had to bring the receipt for our payment.

well, the problem arose when i found out that apparently, my dad hadnt paid for me -__- *sighs* i had reminded him everyday! on that day, i reminded him at 9 in the morning, "dad, you have to pay today. i will leave at 12." he said "okay". but nothing happened. one hour later, i reminded him again. "dad, pay now." he said "okay". but he didnt move at all! finally he went to the bank at 11.30. "great, i will definitely be late" i thought. and i was.

at 12 he came home so i could bring the receipt. i went straight to the hospital, but i was already late. on the way, my bf called me, he said that N's dad was angry because i was late, and he told me to ask my other friend who's also going to the city if we could go with him. i thought N's dad already went home. i was shocked, i felt really guilty. then i sent my other friend a text message asking if he had already left or not. few minutes later, my bf called me again, asking for my friend's answer. i said he hadnt reply yet. my bf then got kinda mad at me. well, i was at fault, i should have called, not just sent a text message. to make up for my mistake, i called my friend. he said he had to ask his parents first. and i was like "okaaayy.."

i arrived at 12.30. when i met them, N still smiled at me and said that it was okay, her dad getting angry was usual. i apologized. then i found out that her dad hadnt left, so we could go with him. i ran to take my med check up result and go to N's car. but my bf didnt say a word to me. at all. i thought "oh, maybe there's no chance to talk, maybe in the car.."

BUT.in the car, he chose to sit next to N, instead of me. so n was in the middle of us and i found it awkward. but they didnt think so. during the trip, for more than 2 hours, my bf didnt talk to me at all, totally ignoring me. i was like "wtf." i was sad and in a total bad mood because my dad ruined everything. but he didnt seem to care at all and just ignored me like that! if he didnt talk with N either, i could accept it. but he talked to N a lot of time!! he acted like i wasnt there!! and all the way to the city i just kept silent, sent messages to my best friend so he could cheer me up and stop me for crying, and stared at the clouds while holding my tears back.

my bf didnt realize that he made that mistake until i started to act cold toward him......

:( :( :(

at night, i told him about it. but he said "i was acting like usual, you're the one who was paranoid."

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!so even in a normal circumstance he would have a nice chit chat with N instead of me, his gf, who's in a bad condition, and totally ignore me??man, who's your gf, me or her???

*sighs*

i was not jealous, i just didnt get it.

i was so so sad, it hurt so fucking much :'(

i began to cry, asking myself how he could be that cruel to me, why he did that to me :'(

he finally apologized, i didnt know if its because he didnt want to see me crying or because he really felt that he was wrong. he said he's sorry because he didnt understand me. i doubted that.

what hurt more, my mom who realized something was wrong said this to me "im afraid that he's just manipulating you. he could go to the college ( a nice one, indeed ) because he studied with you. if he didnt, he couldnt have made it."

hearing it from my own mother really hurt... and i can still feel the pain even now.. :(

time can not heal wounds, at least not mine..