How I Stop My Sweet, Dangerous Addiction

Okay, first of all, just want to disclaim that I am not one of those crazy Korean fangirls. I am perfectly normal, I have only watched several popular series as I am not fond of regular romantic dramas. When I start watching a series though, it gets extremely difficult for me to stop. I am the type who prefer watching already completed series because I don't want to have to wait for new episode each week. Means, the only thing that can stop me is time.

I watched when I went back from work (it's even hard for me to focus on my works and I did not want to work late because I just had to watch this certain series!), when I was going to sleep, and I even watched when taking a bath! This last one was really not a good habit, this had caused me falling on my butt and getting hospitalized .__. So, I have considered this cannot-be-stopped-urge to continue watching as dangerous, literally.

On top of that, by letting myself watch those non-added-value-fictional series, I lost potential time to do something which actually promoted my growth, such as reading articles or books, writing, exercising, and connecting with people. In short, I invested my time wrongly/wrong, a lot of it.

After quite some time (1.5 months probably?), I reached a point where I felt "insecure" and uncomfortable with my own choice. I felt like the so many varieties of Korean drama had been dragging me too long and too far from things I should have been doing. I felt an intense feeling of guilt, and that perfectly ruined the joy and excitement I used to feel from watching the series and fangirling with handsome Korean actors. Why perfectly? It made me feel guilty enough to promise myself to not start a new series, but not enough to stop me watching the current series. It's a win-win then!

What's important here is my realization of how bad the choice I made was and my conscious effort to change. It sure would feel different if my mum or boyfriend told me to stop watching. I would feel annoyed instead of “be awake”.

Today, it's been more than a week since I stopped. I uninstalled Viu in my phone and I stopped browsing for any Korean drama. My commitment makes me question myself a thousand times whenever I feel like watching. I don't want to be trapped further in a bad habit like that. I want my life to be filled with productive and beneficial activities, leading me to who I want to become and what I want to achieve. Watching Korean dramas is certainly not one of them.

What do I do instead then? Amazingly, as soon as I "switched" the button in my brain, it's much easier for me to purposely make better choices in my life. I have been spending my free time by watching educational and self-improvement videos. I installed Ted app in my phone and subscribed to TED-Ed channel in YouTube, which eventually led me to find another great channel like "FightMediocrity". Every night, I watch several videos and try to reflect how in my life I can implement those things I learn. One good example is the 5 Things Successful People Do Before 8 AM video by Terri Savelle Foy, which I started to implement this week. You know what? It actually feels really good to know that I am making good choices for myself. It's not only a temporary feelings of joy but as I keep doing good stuffs, I can feel the benefits every day and I look ahead with hope for even more benefits in my future (I will discuss in more detail in a separate post).

Now, I can proudly say that I have stopped and I have regained the control over my mind and time. Perhaps I will still watch some in the future, (as someone says, procrastination once in a while can be good for us) but not now and not in the near coming weeks. Moreover, it will be different as I will be fully aware of my choice and its consequences, hence I will be careful to stay in control.

So, if I can, you also can stop your addiction or bad habits, replacing them by good ones. It's your choice. After all, our today is the consequences of yesterday's choices. Are you making the right choices now?

*Note: I just watched this video in YouTube and it superbly visualizes what I wrote in this post, check this out! :)

HOW TO BUILD YOUR SELF DISCIPLINE - NO EXCUSES BY BRIAN TRACY ANIMATED BOOK REVIEW

A Near Death Experience and I'm Calling Myself God's Beloved..

Heyya there!! :D

So this is it, guys. The post I should have published 1.5 years ago. I have been meaning to share this story ever since I got out of the ICU. One thing leads to another, I just release this post now :(

This is a dark, yet full of love episode of my life. Very threatening, especially for those around me haha.. However, I say this is one of God's powerful way to touch me and my family :)

This happened around my 23rd birthday in 2015. I had been hospitalized for some time with no sign of getting better (I will talk about it later). After getting out of Puri Cinere hospital, I was still very sick. I went home in the afternoon. Not long after, at night, I got a high fever, again. It seemed endless. The pain was still unbearable for me, I had to take painkillers thrice a day. I was feverish all the time. On top of that, I got chills every evening and night. My mum was super worried, the next day she took me to my childhood doctor around the neighborhood. He only said to keep seeking medical attention from hospital.

I was feeling helpless, I had been hospitalized in Siloam TB Simatupang for a typhoid fever and in Puri Cinere for a urinary tract infection. I was still traumatic of infusion because my veins were really small, my hand got swollen very easily so they had to keep changing the infusion. I could not think clearly anymore, I just laid on my bed, I could not do anything else. It felt like as if I was waiting, for something to trigger an action for me. Because I was just too weak to think and speak. I kept thinking that after getting out of the hospital, I should had felt better in few days, like the pain was temporarily for sure and by drinking the meds I would be all good. That I just had to bear with the pain and everything would be alright after some days.. Wrong mindset! If you have fever for days, it's definitely a sign to seek serious medical help. Just sleeping at home will not do any good..

I remember that night my boyfriend called and he was angry because I did not go to a hospital again. He even got irritated when he asked how many meds I got left and I had no idea. Man, I could not even think to eat or drink, counting how many meds I had left did not even cross my mind :( He hung up the phone with anger and I could not say anything. I meant to chat him but there was just no energy left..

My mum kept checking my temperature and she got panic when I reached 39oC. I also remember that night my mum's friend, Aunt Tetty and her children Bigga and Theo (happened to be my friends also), visited me. She told me and mum to just go to a hospital. She works at hospital so probably she understands this kind of thing. I said yes, but I did not do anything. I still thought, "Ok, maybe tomorrow." As I said before, I lost my ability to think. That night, my mum saw that my condition had gone beyond tolerance (I put 2 clothes on myself!) and got super worried, so she pushed me to go to Pondok Indah hospital (RSPI). I did not even remember going, I guess it was just too painful to feel the life.

Arrived at RSPI, I remember laying on Emergency Room bed. They tried to infuse my hand oh God can't you guys just stop torturing me. My bro and sis accompanied me also, it gave me some kind of a bit relief. They were there, thank you.

It took some time but then I was moved to a proper room. My memories of that night have faded a lot, most probably because of the pain. I am really grateful that I cannot remember the pain, thank You God!!! I just remember there was a nurse holding my right hand. She was smiling as if she was trying to make the pain go away. I cannot remember her face though. I found out much later, that night, there was much more than that.

It seemed that I was in extreme pain. The nurse asked for my name and my birthday. I could only answer the first one. I kept moaning in pain, no one could talk through me. My family was terrified. The doctor and nurses were confused about my illness. They had to take my blood for many tests. Man, some big bottles of my blood was forced to drain. Even my bro was sick of watching that. I felt bad letting them especially my lil sis watch that event. I hope it did not leave them some kind of trauma..

It was a long night for them, seemed that I created a chaos there. My mum told me I kept begging to take a pee in the bathroom but the nurses did not allow me because I was too weak to stand up. Somehow I did not understand that though. After I calmed down and fell asleep (finally), my mum took my bro n sis home. She herself went back to the hospital again to stay with me. In the morning, I got somehow even worse. The nurses told my mum that I had to get into ICU asap.

She received a paper to be signed, stating that my medical bills in ICU could take up to 15 millions IDR a day and it would be taken care of. I could not imagine how my mum was feeling when she heard that. Such a big burden and the decision fell on her shoulder alone. She did not have control of my dad's money and my dad was being unreliable as always. My mum called my family to come asap but they only showed up much later. My mum's friends came immediately when she sought their help, Mrs. Fanny and Mrs. Vero. They encouraged my mum to just sign the paper, money cannot buy lives. So she did (thanks Mum! I would have died otherwise!). The nurses immediately took me to ICU. I was so near to my limit. The nurses kept calling my name but I was unconscious. They did something to bring me back to life. They forbade my mum from seeing me. Some of my mum's friends, Mr. Ferry, Mrs. Lucy, etc were there to pray for me. They even brought Father Haruno to give Anointing of the Sick sacrament to me. I was so close to death phew.

In the ICU, the doctor put some life supporting equipment into my body like ventilator, catheter, feeding tube, etc. I was sedated and unconscious for 2 or 3 days. When I first woke up, I was completely at loss. I did not see my mum, nor anyone except the nurses. Why? Why was not anyone there for me?? I waited and waited (probably not that long actually) but no one showed except the nurse. I could not see clearly, there's a fog covering my eyes. I could not speak. I tried to but nothing came out of my mouth. I tried to move but it was really tiring. They tied up my hands, I could not understand why. I kept trying to move but I got tired real soon then I fell asleep. Was not a good feeling back then. Felt like I was abandoned...

The next time I woke up, I finally saw my mum. You had no idea how relieved I was! I had never felt so grateful seeing my mum hahaha.. Unfortunately I still could not speak so I just listened to encouraging words from my mum. I wanted so bad to tell her to stay, but the nurse already told her to go. Just a few minutes :(

I had so many questions in my head. I knew I was in ICU but I did not fully understand what that meant. I did not know that my family was not allowed to come in whenever they wanted like in ordinary room, nor they could stay for long during each visit. I did not know not everyone could see me. There were some moments when sadness and loneliness were my only guest, especially because I could not communicate. Well, sorry for being inexperienced in getting into ICU, that was the very first time for me and my family haha..

The funny thing was, I kept searching for my phone. I remember I had it with me but after waking up several times it was gone. I thought it fell off under my bed. Asked the nurse to look for it but to no avail. Thought I saw it under my feet but could not reach for it no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I was in ICU. He must be so worried because there was no news from me. What I did not know, several days had passed and my boyfriend had known this since the first day hahaha.. On that Saturday when I was moved to ICU, my boyfriend called my phone so early in the morning. It was picked up by my mum. He soon fled to RSPI and accompanied her :)

Days later, after graduating from speaking problem, I asked my mum about the phone and she had been keeping it! I was like, "Whyyyyy :((((". Of course, it's for my sake, my mum wanted me to rest well. But still, if only she mentioned it before I would not have to try that hard hahaha..

Ah, another funny thing. Seemed that I had a long sleep when I dreamed about my trip to Lampung. Then suddenly it crossed my mind that I had to arrange the reimbursement for the hotel and food! I was in panic because reimbursement request had to be completed in 40 days or so. So when I woke up I immediately asked for my laptop and wifi hahaha.. In ICU! I thought about taking care of it myself lol silly, silly me. In the end my mum asked for my friends, Juji and Anggi, to manage. Vana, vana, vana, what were you thinking lol.

...

Well, I know that most of you are wondering, what I felt during the crucial between life and death moment. Some people, including my mum, had already asked. I was not so confident to tell them what I dreamed of. I think I met Jesus. Well, or at least talked with Him. I remember there was this kind of sandy land) but not like a desert. There was some kind of a shallow hole in the middle. Then something like a black clod was just above the hole, but most parts of the clod was above the ground. In my memory, Jesus appeared in a form of white-clothed man, similar to His image from the film. He asked if I was in pain. I said yes. He told me that the reason I had to endure such pain was that I was bearing someone else's suffering.

Yes, it's true that once upon a time I had a thought to bear people's illness to reduce their pain. That was one of many ways to help people, right? I heard someone saying that it's real. Then that time I thought about Cynthia and how much I wanted to save her but there was nothing I could really do rather than trying to talk to her. So I pleaded to God if it's possible for me to bear someone's yoke. Because that's what Jesus did for me and if I could do the same that would mean I could do something to ease His pain and other people's pain. I just never thought that the chance would actually come and that it would nearly cost my life that fast and with no awareness at all. Phew. Lucky for me, God still loved me and He listened to my family's and friends' prayers.

In that dream, Jesus asked if I wanted Him to take the pain away from me. When I answered yes, He made the black clod gone at once, like it exploded and disappeared without any trace left. After that it felt as if I was awaken from my dream.

I had no idea, even until now, whether it's real or just my imagination or my silly dream. Hell, I dreamt about Taylor Swift having a brother who told me that she was lying, what kind of dream is that?? Nevertheless, the main reason I have been keeping that story all to myself until now is that I am not convinced with myself that Jesus would come and save someone sinful like me. I don't see myself as someone that can receive such blessing to have a chance to encounter God. But as I was getting better each day, I felt the urge to tell the world how grateful I was to God the Almighty that He decided to give me a second chance, a luxury that not everyone may have. I promised God then, that I would write this and share the good news as a form of my gratitude. This is what I can do at the very least. So perhaps, perhaps God wants to say something through me. Thus in the end, I think that it no longer matters whether it was real or not. What matters is that God has saved my life, despite my sins, despite my endless apologies for keep sinning, despite my tiresome promise to do better, despite everything, He saved me.

Why would He do that? I was not completely evil but I had definitely let Him down and broken His heart over and over again. People might say that I was a kind person. I joined social acts like visiting nursing home and orphanages, making donations, I even had building an educative orphanage as one of my life goals. However, just like other people I also found myself trapped in a great sin that I had difficulty to get out of. I told myself I wanted to bring good to the wicked world, but I had not done anything concrete to create a change. I spent most of my days for my own self. What's more, I realized that my heart was not pure. I had a brother and a father that I did not love wholeheartedly. Sometimes I despised myself for being so far from the ideal "God's child" but still ended up winning the flesh over the Spirit. Why would God spare my life?

I found several encouraging passages from the Bible.

Luke 19:10
For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost."

Mark 2:17
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Imperfect humans like you and I, we are the sole reason why God sent His Only Child into the world.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life

2 Timothy 1:9
He has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace.

It was God's love, God's mercy, and God's grace, that saved me. Not because of any good deeds I had done. No matter how unworthy I am, God still embraces me as His daughter.

As I thought and thought and thought, what would probably God wanted to say through me, I have now reached to a belief. God wanted me to "stop".

In this busy, fast-paced world, we are forced to jump from one thing to another to be able to follow its pace. Unless, we will be left behind. Most of us sacrifice our "free" time to fulfill the world's demand. By the time we finish what we "have to" do, we are already too consumed to do anything meaningful for ourselves, let alone have a spiritual moment with God.

It is not surprising that this event has brought myself and those around me closer to God. As for my family, they kept praying everyday for a miracle during my days in ICU. After I earned a "have a sign of healing" title and got out from ICU, they kept praying for my recovery. After I was freed from the hospital and finally got home, they kept praying in gratitude for my comeback. Even after eventually I started to be able to do daily activities, they still kept praying for my normal life and for the disease to disappear forever.

This event has astonishingly brought my family together. We were broken and scattered, not truly caring about each other. I could even say that there was a big anger, hatred and disappointment towards each other. You know, when I was being hospitalized in Siloam at the first time, my dad did not even visit me. He was too afraid of contagious diseases in the hospital. I just laughed at that time, but you may understand already how my family was like, led by someone like that. Then there's my brother, the complainer who almost never did the chores. I always felt furious toward him. Like it would be better if he was not home. Honestly speaking, I did not really care about him, I guess. Because I kept feeling the bad emotion, his image was all bad. However, when I was on the verge of death, my family gathered together as one. My dad came to the hospital. My brother even cried for me I was very touched, seriously!

My mum, dad and brother were taking turns staying in the hospital. My sis couldn't because she was still 14. They were afraid if something came up at night, they had to be prepared. Anything could happen, right? The point is, they were working together in facing this life's exam, as a family. It gotta bring them closer, right? Because before that it was usually only my mum taking care of everything, my God, she was a superwoman. My lil sis helped too of course but mostly it's my mum. Now the burden was shared to everyone. It's really amazing to see them like that.

Before, not all of my family regularly went to church. We spent so much time for ourselves, even dedicating only 1.5 hours for God felt like a huge obligation. Had to do this, had to do that, It's too late to go to church, and so on and so on. So many excuses! How could we forget that it's all thanks to God's grace that we could even be alive? How could we keep saying "maybe later" to show gratitude and respect and love to God? Even when we were at church, our mind kept moving somewhere. Easily said, we had taken God's love for granted.

Speaking for myself, I was mostly absorbed by my work. I did not spend enough time for God,  my family and friends. I tried to read Our Daily Bread and/or the Bible every day, but not seldom I just read it without trying to have a real conversation with God, which made the effort a bit pointless. During weekends, I often still worked and felt bothered by my family. I kept worrying about my work even while I was spending time with others, which is totally not right.

This event was like a strong wake up call for me. God did not put me in this world to just go with the flow and get drawn, devoting my entire life for "work" until I pass out. No, He did not create me to be a zombie. He wants me to be like a God's child,  giving love everywhere to everyone in need. The thing is, how can we care about others when we just simply do not spare enough time to think about them?

Don't get me wrong, I was not that self-centered. I still donated and joined a voluntary activity like visiting an orphanage (sadly only once last year though), but it's not enough. It's not just about giving money or do a one-time event like that. Same as our career, we have to make our "love spreading" activity sustainable. It does not have to be something big, but it has to ... start from our daily life! How do we act toward people, not only those who are on the same side, but also those across? Have we shown enough compassion? It's not difficult to act nicely when we're in a good situation. Shit happens in life though, sometimes things don't go as "normal" as we expect and we have to deal with the discomforting abnormalities. That's the real challenge. When we're faced with those situations, do we remain faithful to stay in God's way? Or we still try to "negotiate" with Him? "Given this situation, can I do/not do this?" "Since I have a tiring week at work, can I not go to the weekly prayer meeting?" "Because he has hurt me in the past, is it okay if I don't help him now?" And so on and so on.

In my case, sometimes I wasn't even aware that I was deviating from the image of God's child, especially when I let myself get drowned. Really though, what rights do we have to negotiate with God? He loves us unconditionally, how come we cannot love Him unconditionally?

The point is, I think each one of us needs a "break" time. To be free from the world's demand and just focus on our relationship with God. To reflect on our lives, have we become the person we desire to be? Have we acted like a God's child? Are we on the right path or we need a redirection?

It can be each morning to remind us and guide our life throughout the day, it can be each night before we go to bed to reflect on what we did that day, it can each Sunday before we start another week, it can be whenever you want to put the time. However, the crucial thing is that we purposely allocate our time for that. Second, that we commit with it. Let's try it for one month starting today, maybe we need a little push, just do it. Let's see how it can change our lives. God will work His wonders :)

God bless us abundantly! Cheers! :D

God's Nudge

I got sick again.

No, not that freaking ITP, but not the common flu, sore throat, or even tropical diseases like typhoid or dengue fever either.

I tripped in my bathroom and my butt hit the edge of the ceramics. Luckily it missed my tailbone, only hit my right part. It hurt but nothing I would say serious. No fracture whatsoever as I immediately checked for an X-Ray and went to an orthopedic doctor. I went back home with ease. That was two weeks ago.

I then had a vacation trip with my mum and sis, sponsored by me. The trip was my birthday gifts for them. I wanted them to just go out and have fun, released from stress, and to see a world wider than our house and school. Bali was our destination and we did have fun and get closer. Objectives: achieved. We went home tired but happy. That was one week ago.

Went back to work, facing the old routines. It’s not fun coming back to office again but it’s my choice as I missed doing something productive and also my friends. I got a very nice rating last year and it totally boasted my spirit to start a new year. With my career advancing a bit faster than I thought it would be, I’m just thrilled with excitement and motivation. Not to mention that I will have another business trip to Europe in February, I keep thinking to myself how great my career and my life are at the moment. This year should be better, this year I have more opportunity and the sky will be my limit. That was until 3 days ago.

The next day, I woke up with a pain around my tailbone. It’s not the bone, I believe it’s the muscles or nerves around there. It was still okay, only a little pain, I thought perhaps I slept with a wrong position. I got up and started my morning. Nothing unusual.

Climbing up the stairs towards my desk, I suddenly felt the pain around my waist and back. Only temporary, nothing too serious. I worked like usual, sitting on a chair for hours. The odd thing was, every time I tried to get up from my chair, it hurt quite badly. It took a while for me to adjust my body and find a position that did not hurt. As I continued to walk, I noticed that it’s worse than I originally had thought. I just wondered what kind of position I slept with that could cause such pain. I could still walk normally though so I just let it go, thinking it’s only caused by wrong position, how bad it could be?

Again, I was wrong in understanding pain. In the afternoon, after staying with sitting position quite long, I tried to stand to go to the toilet. I could barely managed. I got panic and called my boyfriend. I could not stand properly and it hurt like hell to take a step.

With full effort, I went to the clinic in my office. The doctor gave me a painkiller and an ointment. He also told me to lay down and rest first. So I did. I thought if I let my body rest for a while, it would eventually get better. However, even after several hours, I still did not feel any better. The doctor advised me to go to a hospital. It was Friday, I was supposed to go back to Jakarta that night. I decided to postpone it. I called my mum in the end and she would pick me up. Sorry Mum I had to make you worried and troubled like this again. The worst part of being ill is letting people who love you worried and suffered. I hate it so much.

With magic and God’s help, also my friends’, that night I could still go back to my boarding house. It got worse overnight, the next morning I could not even stand straight. Thank God my family came to pick me up. There’s no way I could go home by myself.

On the journey to RSPI, I googled about the pain. I found a site mentioning SLE as one of the cause. It shocked me as based on the latest result of my blood test, my C3 protein and Vitamin D were both lower than standard range. I had always believed that I was already free of ITP or any autoimmune disease. Could it come back somehow? Suddenly the story of SLE patient I met in RSPI last year came to my head. She was fine but just all of sudden she fell and could not walk anymore. The nerves or something was attacked by the immune. Could I be like that? I never trusted dr. Iris, I believed my illness was only a secondary ITP which was supposed to be gone forever after it was healed last year. I just knew, it’s my body. Then this happened. Truth be told, I was horrified. There's no way that freaking autoimmune was taking my life away!

All of sudden this thought struck me, like slapping my face. God gave me a second chance in life, when He saved me from death 1.5 years ago. I promised Him, that I would follow His lead all my life, let Him use me to serve His purposes in this world. Especially, that I would write my story and share with others, just so the world would know how great God's love was. I started the writing once I got discharged from the hospital. I never published it until today, simply because I feel that I haven't finished it.

I made a promise to myself, to live my life differently. I would be grateful all day despite what I would go through, I would share God's love to everyone, I would join or drive social acts, I would follow God's child's image.

Have I done my life differently? I don't think so! :(

I have failed my own promises to myself and God. I am so ashamed.

Is this my punishment...?

 

I don't buy it though. This morning I found a passage from Our Daily Bread.

“We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

It was meaning to tell the Romans that God was not the one who caused their suffering and that He would cause all their circumstances to cooperate with His divine plan – for their ultimate good. Not health, wealth, admiration, or success, but being “conformed to the image of God’s Son”.

I believe this is only God's way to "remind" me and give me the time I have always longed for, to finish my stories, to create new ones, to really reflect my life and make reasonable commitments this year. This is the beginning of 2017 anyway, what time would be more perfect?

So here I am writing this story. I have abandoned my blog for far too long. Who you call a writer if you don't write? Haha.

I'm now hospitalized again while waiting for MRI test and physiotherapy. I am not afraid, for God is with me. He's always been, and He will always be. Thank You, Lord, for your abundant love and countless chances You've given to us. Don't let me ruin this again.

God bless whoever is reading this! Amen!