I got sick
again.
No, not that
freaking ITP, but not the common flu, sore throat, or even tropical diseases
like typhoid or dengue fever either.
I tripped in
my bathroom and my butt hit the edge of the ceramics. Luckily it missed my
tailbone, only hit my right part. It hurt but nothing I would say serious. No
fracture whatsoever as I immediately checked for an X-Ray and went to an
orthopedic doctor. I went back home with ease. That was two weeks ago.
I then had a
vacation trip with my mum and sis, sponsored by me. The trip was my birthday
gifts for them. I wanted them to just go out and have fun, released from
stress, and to see a world wider than our house and school. Bali was our
destination and we did have fun and get closer. Objectives: achieved. We went
home tired but happy. That was one week ago.
Went back to
work, facing the old routines. It’s not fun coming back to office again but
it’s my choice as I missed doing something productive and also my friends. I got
a very nice rating last year and it totally boasted my spirit to start a new
year. With my career advancing a bit faster than I thought it would be, I’m
just thrilled with excitement and motivation. Not to mention that I will have
another business trip to Europe in February, I keep thinking to myself how
great my career and my life are at the moment. This year should be better, this
year I have more opportunity and the sky will be my limit. That was until 3
days ago.
The next
day, I woke up with a pain around my tailbone. It’s not the bone, I believe
it’s the muscles or nerves around there. It was still okay, only a little pain,
I thought perhaps I slept with a wrong position. I got up and started my
morning. Nothing unusual.
Climbing up
the stairs towards my desk, I suddenly felt the pain around my waist and back.
Only temporary, nothing too serious. I worked like usual, sitting on a chair
for hours. The odd thing was, every time I tried to get up from my chair, it
hurt quite badly. It took a while for me to adjust my body and find a position
that did not hurt. As I continued to walk, I noticed that it’s worse than I
originally had thought. I just wondered what kind of position I slept with that
could cause such pain. I could still walk normally though so I just let it go,
thinking it’s only caused by wrong position, how bad it could be?
Again, I was
wrong in understanding pain. In the afternoon, after staying with sitting
position quite long, I tried to stand to go to the toilet. I could barely
managed. I got panic and called my boyfriend. I could not stand properly and it
hurt like hell to take a step.
With full
effort, I went to the clinic in my office. The doctor gave me a painkiller and
an ointment. He also told me to lay down and rest first. So I did. I thought if
I let my body rest for a while, it would eventually get better. However, even
after several hours, I still did not feel any better. The doctor advised me to
go to a hospital. It was Friday, I was supposed to go back to Jakarta that
night. I decided to postpone it. I called my mum in the end and she would pick
me up. Sorry Mum I had to make you worried and troubled like this again. The
worst part of being ill is letting people who love you worried and suffered. I
hate it so much.
With magic
and God’s help, also my friends’, that night I could still go back to my
boarding house. It got worse overnight, the next morning I could not even stand
straight. Thank God my family came to pick me up. There’s no way I could go
home by myself.
On the
journey to RSPI, I googled about the pain. I found a site mentioning SLE as one
of the cause. It shocked me as based on the latest result of my blood test, my
C3 protein and Vitamin D were both lower than standard range. I had always
believed that I was already free of ITP or any autoimmune disease. Could it
come back somehow? Suddenly the story of SLE patient I met in RSPI last year
came to my head. She was fine but just all of sudden she fell and could not
walk anymore. The nerves or something was attacked by the immune. Could I be
like that? I never trusted dr. Iris, I believed my illness was only a secondary
ITP which was supposed to be gone forever after it was healed last year. I just
knew, it’s my body. Then this happened. Truth be told, I was horrified. There's
no way that freaking autoimmune was taking my life away!
All of
sudden this thought struck me, like slapping my face. God gave me a second
chance in life, when He saved me from death 1.5 years ago. I promised Him, that
I would follow His lead all my life, let Him use me to serve His purposes in
this world. Especially, that I would write my story and share with others, just
so the world would know how great God's love was. I started the writing once I
got discharged from the hospital. I never published it until today, simply
because I feel that I haven't finished it.
I made a
promise to myself, to live my life differently. I would be grateful all day
despite what I would go through, I would share God's love to everyone, I would
join or drive social acts, I would follow God's child's image.
Have I done
my life differently? I don't think so! :(
I have
failed my own promises to myself and God. I am so ashamed.
Is this my
punishment...?
I don't buy
it though. This morning I found a passage from Our Daily Bread.
“We know
that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been
called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28).
It was
meaning to tell the Romans that God was not the one who caused their suffering
and that He would cause all their circumstances to cooperate with His divine
plan – for their ultimate good. Not health, wealth, admiration, or success, but
being “conformed to the image of God’s Son”.
I believe
this is only God's way to "remind" me and give me the time I have
always longed for, to finish my stories, to create new ones, to really reflect
my life and make reasonable commitments this year. This is the beginning of
2017 anyway, what time would be more perfect?
So here I am
writing this story. I have abandoned my blog for far too long. Who you call a
writer if you don't write? Haha.
I'm now
hospitalized again while waiting for MRI test and physiotherapy. I am not
afraid, for God is with me. He's always been, and He will always be. Thank You,
Lord, for your abundant love and countless chances You've given to us. Don't
let me ruin this again.
God bless
whoever is reading this! Amen!
