9.09 am, awoke from such a nightmare.
I met you coincidentally after what felt like you avoiding me. I confronted you and you coldly pushed me away, telling me that my fear was proven right, you did not want me anymore. Hearing such bitter words came out from your mouth, numbness overwhelmed me. Deep down I still believed that it was only your intention to make me disappear from your life, for my own good. I wanted to keep believing, but your eyes were just so...indifferent. It was the end. You wanted it to end. Us. You did not want anything to do with me anymore.
Why. How could you reach that resolute decision? Am I not worthy to be even a small part in your life?
I can't help but reminiscing, those happy memories when I got you and you got me. I counted on you and you counted on me. You were like half of my world, occupying the empty space that could not be filled by anyone else. It was soothing to know that I had the same significance to you. I intensely needed your presence. I don't know about you, but at least it was like that to me. I knew you were that type of person, perhaps you were like that to other person as well? I felt my possessiveness toward you had grown dangerous. I wanted you to see only me. I wanted you to have only me. Because what I needed was just someone like you, just the inseparable, exclusive bond between us. The significant other. I did not need anyone else, truly. I never showed it, terrified that you would see me too clingy and leave.
In the end, it was my fucking inability to commit that drifted us apart. Or, did it just make it worse? Being possessive and unable to commit at the same time, I could not cope with that. How foolish. I knew how precious you were yet I still let myself neglect you when you still had some warmth, when you were still able to tolerate and forgive all of my stupidity.
How I wish to return. To those beautiful moments. I still remember every place we have gone to together, just the two of us, or even with your family. Oh how I cherish those days!
Do you still think of me sometime? Have I ever crossed your mind? Are you happier now that you have got someone else?
I would say it's only fair since I've got mine too.
I can't help to wonder though, is there no way for us to be together other than in that unhealthy relationship? Can't we work it out somehow?
Oh honey you look happier now and it stabs me with extreme loneliness! Our path never crossed again and it is excruciating. Why can't I be the one for you and you for me? Can I only blame myself?
I never stop wishing you true happiness. Although it hurts when apparently I am not there, in your ideal world. I wish to meet you so bad, as bad as I am afraid to see how far we have gone our separate ways. Afraid that I can't let you go. Will that day come?
I still leave some spaces for you in my heart. Kept for only you. Will be like that forever, so you always have a place to return to. Here with me.
- With my warmest regards and infinite love. And tons of apology..
