I have been thinking lately.
I think I am a bit ...lost?
Earlier this year I felt so motivated to strive, especially after watching those inspirational videos in youtube (I found interesting channels e.g. FightMediocrity, Daily Inspiration). I even started to apply the 5 habits rule to start my days with constructive mornings, believing that this would eventually lead me to "success" as in the successful people's stories. I promised myself I would spend time with God the very first thing after waking up, map my day, visualize my short term and long term goals, stretch/exercise, and have a healthy breakfast. I also promised to at least walk my talk for 30 days.
How did it go? I only followed it until the 20-something-th days.
Why? Did I not feel the benefit of the good habits? No, it's not like that. I undoubtedly had a clearer vision about things I wanted to achieve, not just daily but weekly and the big things I was reaching for in career and life. Those habits made me think, every morning. The idea was that I would consciously and unconsciously make choices which would take me to my goals. It was truly a nice feeling to know that I was thinking for myself and my future and how grateful I would be in the next 5 or 10 years that I had started the habits quite early in my life.
So why did I stop?
It was not very clear, I mean, the "turn". The start of drifting away. One day I just felt too tired from working, I chose to continue sleeping instead of praying and stretching like I was supposed to. Never occurred to me that it would be some kind of turning point, releasing the rebel in me. From that day onward I just stopped.
Several times, the thought of going back to the "right" path crossed my mind. I just chose to delay it after my trip to Europe. But even after my return, catching up like hell, I still have not started. Millions of excuses, oh they are just excuses!
Looking at the today me, I feel ashamed...? Not only do I do nothing productive in my free time, I also spend whole days reading ...comics. Yes, comics!! It's like finding an old treasure. I let myself indulged in the fantasy world, creating stories and pictures of my own in my head. It has been my private contentment my whole life, but as life keeps getting busier and busier I forgot to. Now I got it back. Thousands of wild stories are bursting through my head, very clear I can almost see the images with my eyes. What a joyful feeling!
It's quite logical then when the questions arose, is this my calling? Is this something that I should be doing? Can I continue doing it for the rest of my life? Can I depend my life on it?
I have been dreaming to be able to touch people's heart with stories. Stories about life, struggling and fighting for people and things we love, about love, about seeing the world, about peace.
Perhaps.. this is the way?
Or.
Maybe not.
Realistically speaking, I cannot draw that well. To start at this age is not very auspicious. I could find an illustrator but I wonder he/she can match my visualization. I could just write novels but it won't be the same. Moreover, the most demotivating thing is, I am not sure if people will read it! My friend laughed spontaneously when I told him I spent my holidays reading comics. It kinda hurts but it most probably reflects the world's perception on this idea. People in 20s and 30s no longer read that kind of book. So if I am targeting people at those ages to read my stories, it is unfit.
*heavy sigh*
I need to find another way, a more realistic and propitious one. This should not be the end of my dream. I just need to a more promising approach. There is, and I will find it if I keep looking. I want to believe in that. Please don't let go of that dream, Van.
:)
Coming back to reality, to the unproductive me. I kept wondering why the highly self-motivated me went downhill and it's very difficult for me to return. This is just one of the reasons I can think of. Maybe..
Maybe I am just too hard on myself.
I kept pushing myself to go and go and go. I felt very guilty whenever I did not do something productive, which is not healthy of course! Life is a marathon, it's not a 1 or 2 kilos sprint race. How could I miss this? I did not give myself enough fuel and tired myself somewhere along the way. I felt reluctant every time I thought about getting back to the race, because it's simply too exhausting. And I saw other people enjoying life like they should be. I got envy. I turned the wheel to find my own happiness kingdom. I thought, "I have been running since forever, don't I deserve this?" Then it went out of control, turning me into a too self-centered individual in society.
I should not live like that, I do not wish for such a life. Just keep running and running towards something that I did not know if it's still relevant or not. Life should be, lived. With joy, every moment. Not only when I have reached my goals, but also along the way. It's what gives us strength and determination to go on.
So, I will go with this conclusion. Having fun every once in a while is absolutely not a wrong thing to do. It's just like resting after a heavy day, or like taking shelter under a tree on a hot, sunny day. No one will blame for that and I will not blame myself. Just remember that we have time for everything, time to do our tasks and time to rest. I have decided, this is how I will live my life. Besides, did not God also rest on the 7th day? :)
